Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Oh, by the way...

I'm moving again.

Marie is letting me stay with her at her Mom's house in San Diago (it means "whale's vagina").

I'm leaving the 14th of February. Throw me a party.

What It Is It With Black Dudes And Scarface?

What It Is It With Black Dudes And Scarface?

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Which science fiction writer you are

Which science fiction writer you are
I am:
Mickey Spillane
A tremendously successful writer of extreme over-the-top hard boiled detective novels, who occasionally dabbled in science fictional elements (badly).

Which science fiction writer are you?

Bone Wedding Ring

Every time I read an article about new science, I feel like I'm living in some fantastical future.
CoolBusinessIdeas.com: Bone Wedding Ring

Patick Stewart and Sexy Cakes

This post has almost nothing to do with the SNL skit with Patrick Stewart selling sexy cakes of women pissing. I only mention it because apparently it's a very poopular search term on the ol' blag-o-web. Now many people will read my blag and be very interested by its conent. INTERESTED I TELL YOU!

On to more pressing matters:

For those of you who do not know, I will be moving in about two weeks. I'm going back to California... again. It's a shame that coolest parts of this country are separated by three thousand miles of Asshole Territory (aka the Heartland). And now, because I have forgotten how to write more than a few sentences at one time... PICTURES!:

Magic wand, make my animals grow!

Rape has never been so sexy

Here's the sexy cakes transcript for good measure:

Sexy Cakes

Baker.....Patrick Stewart
Young Man.....Rob Schneider
Gay Guy 1.....Tim Meadows
Gay Guy 2.....David Spade
Woman.....Julia Sweeney

[ young Man enters Sexy Cakes bakery ]

Baker: Hi! Welcome to Sexy Cakes, the erotic bakery.

Young Man: I walk by this place, I never thought I'd go inside it.

Baker: Well, I think you'll find that it's a little more fun than an ordinary bakery.

Young Man: Yeah, my friend's having a bachelor party, and I thought it might be kind of fun if I got him an erotic cake.

Baker: Well, you have come to the right place. I have the perfect sexy cake for a bachelor party. [ opens box ] Oh, what about this one. What do you think?

Young Man: Looks like a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Yeah! It's very sexy!

Young Man: What else do you have?

Baker: Oh, I understand.. it's not, perhaps, your cup of tea. Perhaps, maybe this sexy cake might be more up your alley. [ opens box ]

Young Man: This is the exact same cake.

Baker: No, no, no.. this is chocolate.

Young Man: Yeah, but it's still a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Exactly! [ customers walk in ] Oh.. could you excuse me for a moment?

Gay Guy 1: Hi, we're here to pick up our cake.

Gay Guy 2: [ sighs ] Yes, the man-on-man lemon meringue.

Baker: Right. [ retrieves cake ] I took a little artistic license with this one, but, well, I think you'll enjoy the results.

Gay Guy 1: Hey, this is a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Yeah, it's very exciting, isn't it? That'll be $15.

Gay Guy 1: We wanted a cake of two guys having sex.

Baker: Yeah, I know.. I guess you could say I sexied it up for you! No extra charge.

Gay Guy 2: [ whispering to his buddy ] The party's tonight.. [ to Baker ] We'll take it.

Baker: Thank you! [ customers leave, returns to Young Man ] Uh, you'll have to excuse me, it has been like this all day.

Young Man: What other types of cakes do you have?

Baker: Well, why don't we take a look at our catalogue.. [ opens catalogue ] Now, you see this, it shows every sexy, titilating cake we offer. Oh, now here's a woman squatting behind some bushes - the leaves are made of spun sugar. And.. [ laughs ] ..here's a lady using a little mazipan port-o-potty.

Young Man: So, all your cakes are women going to the bathroom?

Baker: Yeah. What's your point?

Young Man: Well, don't you have anything else?

Baker: Maybe you don't understand - this is an erotic bakery.

Young Man: I'm sorry, I just don't find this very erotic.

Baker: A woman gonig to the bathroom, you don't find it erotic?

Young Man: No, not really.

Baker: Well, then, what, pray tell, would you suggest we do put on our erotic cakes?

Young Man: I don't know.. people having sex.. female and male genitalia.. you know, something like that.

Baker: Well, if that's what you're after, I suggest you try Hostess or Sara Lee!

Young Man: Can't you just make a cake with a couple on it having sex?

Baker: Alright, look, I'll tell you what I'll do.. I will make a cake with a woman and a man going to the bathroom. And, that way, you'll be happy, and your friends will be happy.

Young Man: I don't think my friends would like that, either.

Baker: Well, I would certainly like to meet these friends of yours sometime.

Young Man: Look, could we just have a cake with sex and no going to the bathroom?

Baker: May I remind you that you are going to have to eat this cake?

Young Man: I'll tell you what - just give me a regular cake with nothing on it.

Baker: [ closes catalogue abruptly ] I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Young Man: Why?

Baker: This is some kind of joke, isn't it? Who put you up to this, a fraternity?! You get out! Go on, get out of here, young man!

[ Young Man runs out of the bakery ]

[ Woman enters bakery ]

Woman: Hi. Um.. it's my fiance's birthday.. um, can I get a cake shaped like a woman going to the bathroom?

Baker: Ab-so-lutely! [ winks at camera ]

[ fade out ]

Saturday, January 20, 2007

TANDY 5000

Now people bitch at me when a 17" laptop with 80 gig storage and 512 ram is over $700.

Rocket Piggy

Dave's Funky Premise Generator, v 0.2

Dave's Funky Premise Generator, v 0.2: "Premise: Fightin' psychics search for meaning during the Crusades.
Genre: Comedy

Premise: Curious catgirls search for meaning in 1950s suburbia.
Genre: Action/Epic/Martial Arts

Premise: Psychotic cyborgs explore what it means to be human in the ruins of post-apocalyptic Newark.
Genre: Thriller/Horror/Romance

Premise: Socially maladroit rebels wonder what it all means in the ruins of post-apocalyptic Newark.
Genre: Fantasy/Drama

Premise: Computer-savvy yogis try to get laid in modern-day suburbia.
Genre: Dungeon Crawl"

Tomacco - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Tomacco - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Baby Bankrobber

Baby Bankrobber

Im pretty sure theyre not going to help her hide

Im pretty sure theyre not going to help her hide

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Thursday, January 04, 2007

This guy just came in spouting some craziness about wanting a "postcard camera" that prints postcards right from the camera. pic to follow.

In Not Sure You Can See How Cool This Guy Is

In Not Sure You Can See How Cool This Guy Is